Ye Olde Caved Inn, Sandwich Harbor.

This once stalwart Inn was described in Arthur Mellish's long out of print tome,
Cape Cod on 5 cents a day-you should be so lucky! as being "An Inn with quaint rusticity, exuding a charm that any Yankee would appreciate - or seem to appreciate in polite company." It was built ca. 1820, and opened as the 'Sally's Stern Inn' the same year. No one knows exactly when the Inn's stately façade relaxed into the benign smile seen in the photo. But, early letters mention a name change to 'Ye Olde Caved Inn', ca. 1858-shortly after some misinformed sailors tunneled beneath the Inn trying to locate a liquor vault - or a colony of mermaids. It has never been clear which.

For a more than a hundred years afterward, the upstairs ballroom made for some pretty interesting evenings, as most of the dancers would roll down the double-sloping floor into the center. It proved to be a unique way for singles to mingle. And, like the modern day Mohonk Mountain House, the Inn sparked numerous romantic relationships and marriages.

In all the guest rooms, beds were chained to the walls to prevent them from slipping across the room, out the door - and down the stairs. No soups - or potatoes in solid form - were ever served at dinner - for obvious reasons.

Chamber pots, made by the Sandwich Glassworks, were often pilfered by guests as souvenirs. Today, they are highly collectible items. Several have turned up on The Antiques Road Show, but proved by the experts to be cheap Chinese knock-offs. This usually happens in a 'hot' market. Many have also appeared on eBay, but the starting bid of 99 cents - and the seller's location -are dead giveaways not to get into a bidding frenzy over them.

It is local legend that Thoreau stayed at the Inn for one night. A brass plaque at the front desk stated this with a curious New England spelling, "Thorrow stayed here for one night." I don't know if this is semi-literate spelling by the innkeeper - or whether Thoreau actually pronounced his name this way. Thoreau never mentions the Inn in any of his writings or diaries; so his stay - if it actually was a stay, and not a stop to use the head or get directions - never elicited an inspired note from his pen. History remains mute on the subject.

Shortly before the Inn closed (in 1968), the once famous ship's bell that announced the arrival and departure of guests was "liberated" by some college students, and a "Whoopie-cushion" was put in its place. This may have been responsible for the sudden decline in guests, which led to the Inn's premature closing.

Conservationists and Preservationists tried to save the building by designating it as a "Perching Place for Seagulls and Cormorants," but they were voted down in Town Meeting. A bid to have wharf rats declared an endangered species met a similar fate. The Inn has since been demolished to improve the view of some mega-mansions being erected in the area. A small stone marks the spot.

The Laughing Bridge of Bourne.

The interesting story of this bridge is also a cautionary tale: Don't pay a designer or builder until they are finished and you are pleased with the results.

The original impetus for this bridge began with a request from the Boston & Cape Cod Railroad for "something that will get our passengers who can't swim across the canal over to the island." A request for designers/builders was published in many newspapers here and abroad - and the most interesting response came from France.

The letter was from one Marcel Finis Non-Sequitur, purportedly a well known French engineer/designer whose most recent accomplishment was the Larch de Triomphe. The letter was accompanied by a fine vintage bottle of Chateau Sur Merde '94. Thoroughly impressed by this credential, the Railroad Committee immediately engaged his services. And that's when the trouble began.

In retrospect, it was discovered that Non-Sequitur's Larch de Triomphe had been confused (at least in the minds of the RR committee) with the more famous L'arc de Triomphe. Non-Sequitur's famous Paris structure was nothing more than a slightly altered Larch tree that had been blocking a lane on the Champs de Lysées for three hundred years. Marvelous Marcel had bored a large hole through the tree that would accommodate a mere two cyclists at a time - only one, if the cyclist carried pannier baskets or a baguette. He was given a Croix du Fromage medal, plus 3 cartons of Gauloises, a new beret and year's supply of baguettes for this accomplishment.

Now, let me explain that Non-Sequitur suffered from mild bouts of insanity. That, coupled with his penchant for drinking up to a case of champagne a day, did little to ensure that his Railroad Bridge design would be functional in the real world. Misfiring synapses could also explain the end results. But, in actuality, it was later discovered that pickled - or sober - Non-Sequitur only saw trains in liquid form. This could have been a result of his eating too much overly fermented cheese as a child.

Non-Sequitur's design was for the train to roll up to the bridge, turn 90 degrees upward, travel to the top, turn 90 degrees downward, etc. until it was merrily chugging along to Boston on the other side - or vice versa to destinations on Cape Cod. This was never divulged to the Railroad Committee. And even if it had been, they would not have understood. None of them spoke French. I'm not pointing a finger at Non-Sequitur or the Committee, just presenting the situation as it was.

When Non-Sequitur's original bridge design was shown to the Committee they looked at it a bit warily (possibly because it was drawn in crayon on a paper bag), but concluded (after several cases of champagne and many toasts) that the design was an improvement over no link across the water - and that everything would "sort itself out during construction." They paid him in advance. Big mistake.

The work progressed, the champagne flowed, and many months later the day came for the Grand Unveiling. All the local citizens and dignitaries, plus a feathered and bejeweled group of Boston Brahmins, Brahmatrons, Brahmisses and Brahmistresses, turned out to witness the momentous event. An entourage of local bands struck up some very inspiring music as the large gray canvas that had been draped over the now completed bridge began its glorious unveiling ascent. When it reached the top a chorus of voices from the crowd chimed in to accompany the music with a loud, resounding, multi-layered shout of….WTF????!!!!!!!

Now, bare in the glistening sunlight, the structure pierced the sky with a time-halting presence. Spectators stood motionless as the bridge revealed itself to be of a completely immovable design, with railroad tracks running up and down both sides and across the top.

No words could explain the shock and mortification of the onlookers. They departed in silence, shaking their heads in disbelief. Shortly after this scene, members of the Railroad Committee and their families departed town by night - and were never seen again. Some say they were done in by local contributors to the building fund. But I believe, in my heart, that they moved to "Upper Bourne" and were later responsible for hiring an Italian designer to develop the traffic rotary.

Needless to say, the bridge, like most fruit cakes and punch bowls, never went into service. Today it stands as a monument - and a reminder - to always be clear on your design and never pay for the work until it is finished and approved.

The railroad station, specially constructed for the new bridge and affectionately named the "Toot Suite," was later purchased by President Grover Cleveland and moved close to his summer residence near the Cape Cod Canal. You can see it from the bike trail there.

The failure of the bridge design, coupled with the loss of vast amounts of donated construction money, left a pall over the town of Bourne which it has, to this day, not fully recovered from.

The town's pride and status have been somewhat elevated and enhanced by the recent building of the Cape Cod Tunnel; where passengers can now exit trains on opposite sides of the Bourne Bridge and walk across to a waiting train ready to speed them on their way.

Today, if you go down to the bridge where the tracks end, you can put your ear to the rail and hear the ghost of Marcel Finis Non-Sequitur laughing in a drunken stupor. That is why it is called the Laughing Bridge of Bourne.

C'est finis.

The Bridge of Terror, Falmouth.

This bridge along the Shining Sea Bikeway will always live in my mind as the absolute pinnacle of seafaring terror. It appeared in the long forgotten, low-budget film titled "jaws." And I still shiver when I think about it.

"jaws" is not to be confused with the really big budget JAWS! (spelled in capital letters), written by Peter Benchley - and filmed in 'Munchyvision' by a real Hollywood studio. Although both films were shot on location near Martha's Vineyard, the similarity pretty much ends there.

Peter Benchley's JAWS! is actually based on a series of ferocious shark attacks which occurred along the Noo Joisey shoowah in 1916. How the story got transplanted to MV in the 1970's is a mystery to me, but probably has something to do with MV being a more interesting location in terms of book sales and box office receipts.

The famous bridge the shark attacked on Martha's Vineyard is still there and is worth seeing - although a stone retaining wall (straight out of Architectural Digest) has been built to line the inlet and a string of 'Gray Lady' condos blot out the landscape on both sides. My heart still pines for the JAWS! theme park that was proposed for the site - which was voted down by an undisclosed number of "NIMBY" nay-sayers.

"jaws" (lower case letters) was written, produced and directed by Cape Cod native, Peter Binchley (probably a pseudonym), and was based on a nightmare he had after eating a bad McFish sandwich at a local restaurant. It is a heart-wrenching tale of revenge by a beach toy rubber shark, whose mate was accidently over-inflated by a stressed out beach concessionaire - and exploded.

The movie debuted at the MV film festival and got mixed reviews, which is pretty interesting, since the door to the screening room was 'accidentally' locked so nobody could get in - and could not be opened until the end credits were rolling. A week later, this same mysterious 'happenstance' occurred at the Provincetown film festival and the film garnered similar reviews. Siskel and Ebert, who had received 'advanced' reels, were equally divided on their opinions of the film. But, instead of giving a 'thumbs up' or a 'thumbs down', they both tilted on their chairs and made a 'thumbing motion' toward their posteriors.

The movie starred Cape Repertory actors Richard Dryfiss, Robert Shawn and Roy Schneider. Jackylin Bidet played the marine biologist, ship's cook and female interest of the boat crew. Ralph the Wonder Shark played "Duh…Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah" the revengeful shark, and the movie was shot in 'Super 8' video by Binchley's wife, kids, and several neighbors (who also doubled as extras and shark bait).

Because of the highly graphic nature of the film, 14 inflatable sharks were used before shooting was completed. Many of these were repaired with patches and used over and over again before Writer/Director Binchley felt the scenes were right. You can see these in some of the close ups. The bridge itself had to be rebuilt 3 times, due to the heavy action it saw with the frenzied rubber shark attacking it. The Binchleys still have half a ton of splintered bridge pieces, which they've advertised on craigslist as 'choice' movie memorabilia --but to no avail.

A hand puppet shark, used as a 'stand in' when the actors and shark were shown talking and negotiating a 'cease-biting', fared much better - as the eyes only had to be re-glued twice.

Since most of you have never seen "jaws", I'll give you a few tidbits of description. The image at the top of this article is actually a 'still' from the original movie and shows the bridge as it was before its first shark-frenzied dismantling. You will notice an ice cream truck to the right. At the risk of divulging too much, I will say that the revengeful rubber shark was addicted to ice cream - and was lured to the bridge using the ice cream truck bell.

A scene showing children running into the water with ice cream cones to entice the shark was deleted at the strong urging of the Motion Picture Board, due to the 'gross-out' nature of the frenzied ice cream spattering scenes. A 'compromise' scene shows actor Richard Dryfiss on the bridge using a fishing rod to lower a child holding an ice cream cone for the shark. The original deleted scene can be viewed in all its horror on a special 'Director's Cut' video, newly remastered and transferred to DVD - available by mail from the Binchleys.

The film was padded with gratuitous 'kissy-face' scenes between Dryfiss, Shawn, and Schneider. Bidet even joined in at one point. The scenes bordered precariously on the line of censorship -- and were included to add a little zip to the ultra-thin plot. The scene where they all order rubber shark in the restaurant is especially entertaining - and almost too comical - as they all make some excruciatingly funny expressions of chewing and other eating indulgences reminiscent of the movie Tom Jones. Thankfully, this scene did make it into the final edit - and helps to carry the picture along.

Scenes where the revengeful shark was swimming after the boat had to be deleted, because the yellow nylon tow-line could not be colored out of the film. Scenes shot with the boat going slower and the shark 'dog paddling' after it, were deemed 'possibly not active enough' -- and eliminated. An early evening 'compromise shot', showing the shark water-skiing, holding the tow rope and executing olympic quality moves, was discarded due to low light conditions. And also because it might not allow for 'suspension of disbelief', so crucial to the success of the film.

Instead, several scenes with the shark standing up on the stern plate and boxing with Dryfiss, Shawn and Schneider were done with much action and bravado and looked fairly authentic in both close-ups and long-shots. The scene where Shawn actually grabs the shark's jaws and puts his own head inside the shark's mouth (grinning all the while) is a real 'audience nail-biter'. There is also a scene where the braless Bidet pulls off her T-shirt and puts it over the shark's head -- hoping to blind it. For various reasons, not explained, this scene was reshot 42 times, while the film crew sold passes to onlookers. These scenes were also used in the movie trailer to generate some 'titillating' excitement for prospective viewers (as one of the film's wide-eyed editors put it).

One questionable scene was finally voted in by the Binchley family after their youngest son 'Binky' threatened to hold his breath until his face turned blue. In this scene, the shark has 'taken one on the nose' from the bridge; his face is patted with a towel, the cut patched, and he's given a drink from a squirt 'sports bottle' - before returning to the fray. From all accounts the audiences never questioned this scene. Some even cheered the shark on.

For those of you who missed the MV and Provincetown premiers - or one of the movie's other two showings in the Binchley's garage - the movie does have a happy ending. As the sun sets, we see the revengeful shark "Duh…Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah, Duh-Dah" swimming out to sea with his newly acquired, perfectly inflated mate; the heartwarming gesture of the kindly, Valium-sated beach concessionaire who unselfishly - and lovingly - corrected his mistake. An alternate ending showing Shawn opening an envelope addressed to him, which contains money sent by the shark to cover the cost of bridge repairs, was deemed too improbable - and wound up on the cutting room floor.

If you pedal along the Shining Sea Bikeway, stop and pay homage to this bridge and the story it played a major part in. A small plaque commemorating the movie and the shark biting events is periodically placed there by Binchley and almost immediately removed by the town. Depending on when you're there, you might get a look at it. If you should be lucky enough to be there when the ice cream truck sounds its bell, look around - then yell SHAAAARRRRRRKKKKK! That will generate untolled excitement - and may earn you a free photo session at the Falmouth Police Department.

-- The Phantom Cyclist

The Tree of Lost Ornaments
a.k.a. The Magic Christmas Tree.

We all know where those lost sox and bras go that continually disappear from the dryer. They're spirited away to a parallel universe, where they're worn by others - hopefully of clean habits and good character.

But, what about those treasured Christmas ornaments that disappear each year from our carefully packed boxes? The answer is right here in the woods of Nickerson State Park on Cape Cod. Note the picture of the fir tree all decked out with Christmas ornaments, which I came across quite by accident. I discovered it while pedaling the back trails of Nickerson in May of this year. And I was so awe-struck by its welcoming aura of holidays past that I thought I heard the sounds of children giggling and presents being unwrapped.

The tree actually appears in a TV commercial for Forest Elves Institute, where you can enroll in classes that will teach you to make nifty Christmas ornaments. The "Lost ornaments" part of the scenario is that you can stand there at 'The Magic Christmas Tree' and think fondly of the ornament - or ornaments - that held treasured memories, and they will magically re-appear on the tree.

Of course, there's a catch. You must pay for them with a donation to the Forest Elves College Scholarship Fund, which sends a deserving forest elf to Harvard each year. To me, it's a trade-off, which seems quite reasonable, considering the fact that those old German ornaments my great-grandparents brought over to America are worth a tidy sum today. That, and the fact that highly educated elves are in short supply -- a situation that really needs to be addressed on a greater scale.

So, if you're missing Christmas tree ornaments that have either sentimental or monetary value, head on up, down, or over to Nickerson State Park - and point your bike in the direction of Ruth Pond. When you get to the tree, say the secret phrase, "Saturday Night Live has not been funny for decades," and one of the Elf docents will magically appear to make your wish for lost ornaments come true - and graciously take your donation.

It is crucially important to get as many visitors as possible coming to Nickerson State Park to reclaim ornaments - because it keeps the Forest Elves employed in an honorable way (besides making "Buddy L" and Tonka Trucks). There have been some rumblings from a few disgruntled Elves that they're not making enough money and want to petition Governor Deval Patrick to allow them to open up a slots casino in Nickerson Park.

We need to stamp out this idea. FAST! Slot machines would certainly destroy the rustic sanctuary character of the park. Squirrels and chipmunks would be spending all their accumulated nuts and berries on an enterprise that is certainly geared for "The House" winning - which would cause them to starve over the winter. And, although I think the idea of Forest Elves doing Elvis impersonations on the casino stage is quite amusing, I don't think the slots casino idea is a good fit. Please let your opposition to slot machines in Nickerson Park be made known to Gov. Patrick. You can reach him at the following:

Massachusetts State House
Office of the Governor
Office of the Lt. Governor
Room 360
Boston, MA 02133

Phone: 617.725.4005
888.870.7770 (in state)
Fax: 617.727.9725
TTY: 617.727.3666

It would be great to see lines of people queuing up to reclaim their lost Christmas ornaments. And you can help support the FECSF even more by asking your friends and neighbors if they're missing Christmas ornaments. If they can't make it to Nickerson Park, get a good description of the ornament(s) and you can wish for them, too, when you're at the Magic Christmas Tree - near Ruth Pond at Nickerson State Park, Brewster, MA. Open 24/7. Credit cards are accepted. Please hang on to your tax-deductible receipt.

If you're missing sox and/or bras any time during your stay at Nickerson, you might want to check The Magic Christmas Tree. Those Forest Elves can get up to some quite naughty mischief when they're not cataloging lost ornaments or building toy trucks.

The Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist.

Every cyclist who comes to Cape Cod should make the pilgrimage - at least once - to the Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist in Truro. It has become a fixture of cycling lore since the monument was erected in 1984.

The unknown cyclist was discovered in early spring of 1984 when National Seashore personnel were getting the Head of the Meadow trail ready for the oncoming tourist season. The deceased cyclist, a dapper gentleman, who looked to be in his mid-fifties, had a peaceful smile etched into his face. He was sitting comfortably on a park service bench and his head was pointed toward the dunes. A half sandwich (tuna fish and bananas on whole wheat) was clutched in his right hand.

There have been various speculations as to how and why the cyclist passed on. Some say he saw the ghost of a Pilgrim. Others venture that it was 'the sublime rapture of the dunes' that carried him off. Nobody knows for sure, but everyone is certain that it was not foul play.

His bicycle was sent to the Bicycle Museum of America in New Bremen, Ohio, and the gentleman was given a proper planting at the Truro site with full cycling honors - a 21-bell salute and a toast with mineral water.

The tomb is guarded by a lone cyclist, clad in spandex racing attire and has been patrolled continuously, 24/7, since 1984 - with no exceptions.

In 2003 as Hurricane Isabelle was approaching Washington, DC, our US Senate/House took 2 days off in anticipation of the storm. On the ABC evening news, it was reported that because of the dangers from the hurricane, the cyclists assigned the duty of guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist were given permission to suspend the assignment. They respectfully declined the offer saying, "No way, Sir! Even if we were soaked to the skin, marching in the pelting rain of a tropical storm, guarding the Tomb of the Unknown Cyclist is not just an assignment, it is the highest honor that can be afforded to a cyclist." "And besides," another one of them said, "It's 70 degrees and sunny here in Truro."

The guard, perched on his Smith & Wesson Titanium bicycle, pedals exactly 21 strokes, turns his bicycle around and clicks his bell 21 times, taps his heels on the pavement 21 times - then pedals for another 21 strokes - and repeats the process. This is the highest honor given any American or foreign cyclist who is "past the perpendicular."

There are no wrinkles, folds or lint on the uniform. Guards dress for duty in front of a full-length mirror. Every guard spends five hours a day getting his uniform ready for guard duty, plus another 2 hours polishing his bell.

The guard's gloves are moistened to prevent his hands from slipping off the handlebars and causing untold embarrassment. Guards are changed every thirty minutes, twenty-four hours a day, 365 days a year. This is done to prevent "bell thumb," an affliction somewhat like carpal tunnel syndrome.

For a person to apply for guard duty at the Tomb, he must be between 5' 10" and 6' 2" tall and his waist size cannot exceed 30''. He must also vow never to own or ride a derailleur bicycle for the rest of his life.

Other requirements of the Guard:

They must commit 2 years of life to guard the tomb, live in a barracks under the tomb, and cannot drink any alcohol on or off duty for the rest of their lives. They cannot swear in public or say the word 'Campagnolo' for the rest of their lives - and cannot disgrace the cyclist uniform or the tomb in any way.

After two years, the guard is given a 'Bicycle within a Wreath' pin that is worn on his lapel, signifying that he served as guard of the tomb. There are only 400 presently worn. The guards must obey these rules for the rest of their lives or give up the wreath pin and turn in their bicycle seat and helmet.

The guards shoes are specially made with very thick soles to keep the heat and cold from their feet. There are metal heel plates that extend to the top of the shoe in order to make the loud click on the pavement as they come to a halt.

Their helmets contain a small, but powerful, electronic device which generates 15,000 BTUs of cooling power from a beefed-up computer fan.

In the winter, guards wear spandex uniforms with a space-age thermal outer lining. This tends to make them look like a large baked potato ready for the camp fire. But, the guards look at the plus side: this uniform has a slimming effect at a time when the guards tend to overindulge in snacks to help eliminate the cold and boredom.

Their winter helmets are translucent and use a colored, heated oil, which keeps them comfortable. Although it looks liket they're wearing a lava lamp on their heads, the guards just brush off any chiding from visitors and chalk up the comments to a lack of understanding of thermodynamics on the part ot the chider.

At night, their helmets act as a warning beacon for ships. And although sailors have become confused by the strange and continuous movement of the light -- to date only three ships have run aground in their vicinity. I'd say that's a pretty good track record.

For the first six months of duty a guard cannot talk to anyone, nor watch TV. All off-duty time is spent studying how to field strip his bicycle and reassemble it in under 4 minutes.

So, there you have it. Make it a point to witness this relatively quiet and moving spectacle. It will be a memory you'll treasure for the rest of your life.

ETERNAL REST GRANT HIM O LORD,
AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT SHINE UPON HIM.

NOTE, June, 18, 2008: Due to fiscal restraints and the failure of a budget override in Truro, the guards are no longer patrolling at the tomb. In their place, a bicycle bell has been affixed to a post. Tourists can pay their respects to the 'unknown cyclist' by giving the bell 21 clicks. Monetary contributions are gratefully accepted and may be left in the box attached to the post.

We apologize for any disappointment or inconvenience this may cause you.

~The Truro Board of Selectmen.

The Brewster Star Gate.

Star Gate Schmar Gate. I know what you're thinking: "They're all the same." Not so, thank you very much. This one is completely different from any Star Gate you've seen on TV or in the Movies - or read about in a book. Different, even, from any one you might have traveled through yourself.

The Star Gate in Brewster, on the Cape Cod Rail Trail, automatically cleans your clothes, brightens your teeth, cancels all outstanding parking tickets, gets you season tickets to the Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics and Bruins games, gives you 3 free nights at the Chatham Bars Inn - plus a free dinner for two couples at Chillingsworth's, puts a new Ferrari in your garage, adds $10,000 to your off-shore bank account, lowers your cholesterol, gives you six-pack abs, firms up your buttocks, loses that 10 pounds you wanted to drop, and makes you completely invisible to the IRS -- all in one swift "ZOOOORRRRKK!" *

Sounds truly magnificent, doesn't it? I'm not making this up. I did it myself and I'll vouch for its authenticity. As an added benefit, there are no 'alien struggle' after-effects like other Star Gates can leave you with.

But, you have to know the secret of traveling through it to get the full effect - or you will just come out on the other side the same way you went in. The first step is to give up all diet drinks. The artificial sweeteners act as a diuretic and will have you stopping along the trails more often than you'd like. This is important, because you have to hit the Star Gate at exactly 10:01 a.m. (that's when it opens for all adventurers and there are only 59 seconds for everyone to bike through). Along with that, there can be no traces of drugs or alcohol (perscription or recreational) in your system. Once you've determined that your system is free and clear, you're ready to proceed.

Remember, that the Brewster Star Gate experience is on a first come first served basis. Line up quietly in the order you arrive, and be considerate of the other Star Gate adventurers. As soon as the Star Gate begins flashing in cosmic green it's time to proceed.

When it's your turn, pedal through at a moderate pace. If you go through too slowly, others will think you're greedy. If you go through too fast, you might not get the full effect of cosmic zapping needed to ensure your rewards. Pedal through in the exact center of the Star Gate. When you reach the middle go "Whooooooo….Whooooooo!" and exit on the other side. Please assume your regular position to the right of the bike trail. All should be well - and your Star Gate benefits will be waiting for you when you arrive home after your Cape Cod vacation.

If, in the unlikely event, you arrive home and do not find your Star Gate benefits waiting for you, this could be for a couple of reasons. 1. Your system was not completely clean. 2. The Brewster Board of Selectmen have gone and decreased the cosmic voltage supply at the Star Gate in order to have the air conditioners running in their offices at a cooler temperature.

If you suspect that your benefits were denied because of the latter reason, you can call, e-mail - or write a letter of protest to the Brewster Board of Selectmen at:

Brewster Town Offices
2198 Main St
Brewster, MA 02631
Phone: (508) 896-3701
Fax: (508) 896-8089
brewster@town.brewster.ma.us

So, if you're looking for some "Star" treatment, get yourself to the Star Gate in Brewster - and be prepared for a most amazing experience.

* If you bike through the Star Gate with a pet, they will receive an amount of prizes equal to their needs in pet life. No Ferraris or things like that, but some really neat stuff nevertheless.

The Mysterious Tilting Pond of Eastham.

While pedaling peacefully along the Cape Cod Rail Trail in Eastham, my world was suddenly turned on end. Or, rather, slightly tilted. Well, more than slightly tilted. A lot tilted!

I could not help but notice that the pond to my left was listing at about 15 degrees to the south. At first glance, I thought I might be suffering a vertigo attack, but this sight was not accompanied by any dizziness at all. I thought to myself, "This is rather odd. And I do not recall any of the Cape Cod guide books mentioning this - even in a footnote."

I regained my composure and then thought about what could be causing this very odd occurrence. Was the sun generating a heat foil from a nearby pot farm? Or, was it magic? Doug Henning passed on to that great magician's thumb in the sky years ago, so he was not considered a suspect. David Copperfield was not performing in the area - and Edward Norton did not return any of my cell phone calls. His silence could be construed as a definite NO!

I was perplexed and flummoxed - to say the least. And I knew that Dr. Phil would not have the answer. Nor would Oprah, unless a great number of her audience had driven their free cars into the deep end of the pond while reading her latest 'book find.' Bill O'Reilly might have said that it was a Democratic ploy to take attention away from the presidential race. But, I was not buying into any of that.

Although the pond was tilted, the water stayed calm. Was it overly saturated with JELL-O? Had some rebellious teenagers infused the water with super-glue? Were fish spawning at such an incredible rate that they were causing an imbalance? None of these answers seemed to make any sense.

Then I thought to myself: "I've seen that TV commercial for the car handling its way daintily through a tilting city" - and remembered that game of the 50's with the tilting knobs which helped you maneuver a marble through a maze dotted with holes. That must be the case. And perhaps it has been recently constructed to attract more tourists.

The next day, I went to the Eastham town hall and checked to see if a "Pond Tilter" was listed in its town personnel files. Alas, it was not. And now my mind began to panic. Was it something in my vitamin water? Was the tilting only in my mind? - the effect of having recently blown up a slow-leaking bicycle tire with my mouth because my pump was out of commission? None of these thoughts supplied the answer I was looking for.

My bike tire subsequently bought the farm, and I borrowed a friend's bike to continue my search for truth about this uncanny occurrence. I went back to the scene several days later - coming from a different direction - and the pond was now perfectly flat. I waited for several hours to see if it would tilt. I even held a plumb bob to track its progress. But nothing changed. The pond was level - flat as a pancake - looking smug and comfortable about seeking its own level, and achieving it effortlessly.

Discouraged, I pedaled back to my friend's house, where he gave me a ride to the local bike shop to pick up my retreaded mount. I quickly pedaled back to the pond where, I am pleased to say, the tilting was again fully achieved. That is when I took the accompanying photo.

I am still baffled and perplexed. I know that my mind is sound. But, I believe there's something afoot here that the town of Eastham is not telling me. There almost certainly is a tilting device that has been installed under the pond, and the "Pond Tilter" probably has some innocuous title like: Director of Aquatic Resources.

If you venture up to the pond, have a walk around and see if you can ascertain any sign of what's causing this seeming phenomenon. I still suspect that it's a tourist-generating device. Or, maybe a smoke screen to take attention away from the debate about a town beach. Perhaps they're hiding a parking lot beneath it.
I really haven't a clue. But, it is something interesting to look at - if you should care to.

The Eastham town fathers are keeping pretty tight-lipped and straight faced about it, but I suspect that if you offered to buy them a few drinks, they might loosen up.

You can contact them at:

Town of Eastham
2500 State Hwy
Eastham, MA 02642
PH: 508.240.5900
Hours: 8AM - 4PM, Mon - Fri.

Theatre in the Woods, Nickerson Park.

This theatre harkens back to the heyday of Summer Stock on Cape Cod and predates the Cape Playhouse by several minutes. Many historic greats of American Theatre began performing here while the paint was still wet on the newly refurbished Unitarian Meetinghouse in Dennis, which opened in 1927.

And, while Eugene O'Neill was still trying to find a parking space along Commercial Street in Provincetown, actors on summer break were congregating at this fine outdoor theater in Nickerson Park. It is legend (unconfirmed gossip) that such greats as Basil Rathbone, Betty Davis (who also worked here as an usherette), Gregory Peck, Henry Fonda, Humphrey Bogart, Helen Hayes, Lana Turner, Jimmy Stewart and Julie Harris, trod the sod here, before stepping nimbly onto the boards with the Provincetown Players or at the Cape Playhouse.

Those days are long gone. And today the 'Theatre in the Woods' has taken on a more family oriented theme. And no better family theatre can be found anywhere on the Cape.

The theatre has become a multi-media experience - well, actually only 2 media - live action, provided by Herb the Happy Forest Ranger and a touring stage company of forest creatures (Forest Actors Repertory Theatre - or FART for short). Oh, and then there's the Forest Elves Repertory Theatre (FERT) - and some great movies.

Each night the theatre presents a triple bill. Starting off the evening's theatrical fun fest is the previously mentioned Herb the Happy Forest Ranger. Herb's debut (in 1998) consisted of doing small 'playlets' using deceased forest denizens - with Herb supplying the voices. The first performance was cut short by the cries of distressed children - and parents, alike - and Herb completely changed his act for the following evening.

Herb's newly refurbished act consists of doing shadow puppets of forest creatures - and an occasional Elf or two - against the blank movie screen. By popular request, Herb has inserted the Abbot and Costello "Who's on First" dialogue into his act, featuring the shadows of 2 Forest Elves. He also does a shadow puppet rendition of Louis Armstrong singing "It's a Wonderful World." This act never ceases to entertain children and adults alike and should not be missed. Herb supplies all the voices as only he knows how. Families are advised to arrive at the theatre early so they won't miss this "Emmy"* award-winning performance.

The FART and/or FERT performances could be anything from Aesop's Fables or Bambi Meets Godzilla - to Hansel & Gretel, Mother Goose fairy tales or Watership Down. It is rumored that they are negotiating for exclusive rights to Lord of the Rings.

The movie is usually a 'parent's request', which helps assure that their children will not go wandering off in the park after sunset. Such titles as: Friday the 13th (and 7 sequels), Sleepaway Camp, Blood Lake and Summer Camp Nightmare have been perennial favorites for scaring the bejesus out of kids.

On July 4th weekend the FART players put on a production of 'Wind in the Willows', that has become a treasured favorite of park visitors. This play is followed by what has now become an icon of Nickerson State Park theatre performances, similar to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie is titled Lucretia and the Poison Ring, and stars Hayley Mills as the irrepressible Lucretia Borgia and her twin sister Fred.

The movie has become so popular that families return each year - in costume - to play out the roles of Lucretia, Fred, Giacomo the Drooling Giant, Percy the Grint, Princess Neissrack, Baron Dingle-Dongle auf Zweib, Count Mein and his twin brother Count Meout, Countess Schadenfreude, Liver Lips, Miss Anthrax, Needle Nardle Noo, Tutti-Frutti, Norvo the Drelb and other beloved characters. Costumes are available for rent at the Nickerson Park Headquarters, for those visitors who have not yet made their own.

For a complete 2008 'Theatre in the Woods' schedule, contact Nickerson State Park. You and your family will be in for a treat whatever time you visit or Camp there.

Nickerson State Park
3488 Main Street, Brewster, MA 02631
Phone (508) 896-3491
Toll-Free (877) 422-6762

*Emmy Nickerson loves this act so much that she awarded Herb with one of her famous, "I don't know what's in it, but it sure tastes great" forest pies.